It’s Not “I Do” Until “I’m Done”

I overheard a private conversation after a Women’s Bible study that caught my attention, “I can’t stand being married any longer, I think I’m going to leave.” The obvious concern from her friend precipitated some follow-up questions. (Sorry I couldn’t resist eavesdropping). Is he abusive? Has he cheated on you? Her response, no. Instead, I heard those oft repeated words, “I’m just not in love anymore and I want more for my life.” Sadly, that’s the modern-day long and short of it. 

I wish I could say I was surprised, especially since this came from a supposed follower of Christ. But not so much in these days of water-downed theology. World views have sadly merged, and possessing a distinctly biblical worldview has been caught in the crosswinds. It should not be. 

We have a generation nurtured by the mantras of “personal rights and happiness,” which supersedes everything. Marriage is seen as romantic fulfillment, and when the romance fades, so goes the commitment. You rarely hear any mention of the word covenant.

Thankfully, as a young Christian, I was taught the significance of the word covenant. As a result, I knew that marriage was making an exclusive public vow to God. The heart of biblical marriage is that God is supreme; it is the centerpiece relationship of God’s created world. He knits our souls together into one. “…and the two shall become one flesh’; so, then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate” (Mark 10:8-9). The challenge is how do two separate and uniquely different people do that in real life?  Well, it begins with a “no quit” option.

Biblical marriage is not about hijacking the “we” and trying to make our partner more like me. It is about putting the other spouse above oneself. “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). It is also not a fifty-fifty enterprise, but a one hundred percent “all in” from both parties. Think about it: who enters any venture thinking that fifty percent is good enough to contribute towards success?  And please rid your mind of the weak romance movie mentality of “you complete me.” Only God can complete you. If happiness is the end goal, then I fear divorce will be lurking around every corner and within the center of every trial.

So, let’s get right to some hard truths. Sustaining a marriage takes work – hard work – as anything we are passionate about often is. And it must be a priority. It’s notable that God would use marriage to describe His relationship with His church and the church’s love for him. “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which He is the Savior” (Ephesians 5:22). I can’t imagine God quitting on His church when the going got tough.

So, if there was a recipe to achieve a successful marriage, what would some necessary ingredients be as followers of Christ? First and foremost, nurture your relationship with Christ. Personally declare between you and your partner that marriage is a non-negotiable lifelong commitment because of Christ’s sacrificial work on the cross on your behalf.

 It is imperative to have shared spiritual intimacy, vibrant communication, healthy conflict management skills, quality time together, shared responsibility, prioritized physical intimacy, and involvement with a church body.

I used to tell my boys, as they became husbands and leaders of their families, to deposit words of love, respect, appreciation, and encouragement to their wives daily because if they don’t someone else will. If I had daughters, I would give the same council.

Since relationships are about ‘deposits’ and ‘withdrawals,’ I would ask: does your contribution make the marriage richer or poorer? Daily communication is a two-way street and a necessary aspect to bridge the intermingling of two souls. Love is a verb and not a noun. It is action as stated in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

I used to tell my high school students to place their boyfriend or girlfriend’s name before each characteristic and see how they measured up. For example, John is patient, Mary is kind. It was usually an eye-opener.

So, what are some things that you can do right now to keep your marriage on the right track? I highly recommend every couple have a marriage coach and meet with them monthly to discuss how things are going. Never assume all is well as males and females analyze those measures differently.

Also, plan weekly date nights. It doesn’t have to be expensive if your budget is limited. Maybe a ride to a scenic spot; a walk on the beach; or watching a sports event together. Because once your kids are grown and leave, it will be back to just the two of you. Sadly, many couples come upon their empty nest season and realize they have not fostered a union together apart from their kids, and then one usually flies the coup.

And most importantly, make sure you pray together as a couple. Do it daily. Keep it short, so it is manageable. Keep it personal for each other and your children. This act alone will bond your hearts together in unexpected ways because prayer changes things in the spiritual realm. It will resolve conflicts. It will enhance how you cherish your spouse.

Ultimately, when you say, “I do,” remember it is not until “you’re done” but forever.